Knowing how you behave when drunk is essential when Airport Drinking.
Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport (Bart Everson photo)
Airport Drinking – Going home versus going to jail.
Police body cam recordings fascinate me. Social media creators curate these recordings, presenting the hysterical women who become unhinged during traffic stops and DUIs. The “American State Nationals,” aka “Sovreign Citizens” are particularly amusing. Still, there’s one set of cop videos that absolutely makes my day: airport arrests.
Airport cop bodycam vids remind me of that old show on A&E that followed around Southwest Airlines employees. While the show explored a lot more than troublesome passengers, bodycam scenes cut straight to the chase.
Airports and alcohol
Airport drinking is more than an American tradition. Airports all over the globe offer passengers the opportunity to get likkered up before boarding their flights. The conventional wisdom is, get a glass of wine into a nervous passenger, they relax. Road Warriors know that a Maker’s on the rocks will help them nap on that JFK-ATL flight. It’s all good, so long as drinkers stay in their lanes. When they don’t, well, that’s why there’s good bodycam scenes.
The key to airport drinking is knowing what kind of drunk you are. Airlines don’t care if you’re a bit tipsy when you buckle into your seat. They care when folks are disruptive. Gate agents want those boarding doors closed, so they can roll back that jetway and send those smiling pilots on their way. So long as you don’t cross the line into the Disruption Zone, the only person happier than the gate agent is the bartender you left a nice tip for. (You did tip, didn’t you? Don’t be that person. Tip those folks who deal with your drunk ass.)
Here’s the thing: most folks don’t know what kind of drunk they are in an airport. You go out to dinner with your partner and split a bottle of wine. That’s, what’ 2-3 glasses. If you got to the restaurant in a good mood, you’re likely happier now. Airport drinking just isn’t that dynamic. For starters, flyers don’t eat well. At best, maybe you grabbed something in the food court on the concourse. Sometimes, you’re just munching on a bag of Zapps or Cheez-its while you’re knocking back Tito’s bloody marys.
Things take a turn
That’s when you’re the most vulnerable. You get that buzz on the phone, telling you that your flight’s delayed 30 minutes because of weather in Chicago or something. It’s a clear night at BWI or Lurve Field, and you’re impaired. You’re not processing the whole weather thing.
You want to go home.
You tell everyone in earshot you want to go home. You get loud, possibly belligerent. The gate agent asks you to lower your voice.
But you want to go home.
You cross that line where the airline employees just get sick of your nonsense. They cancel your boarding pass and rebook you for a flight the next day, when (hopefully) you’ve sobered up.
This is where the cops enter the scene and the bodycam begins. The cops ask you to leave the concourse, get a taxi to a motel, and try again the next day. Those who don’t end up in jail.
What kind of drunk are you?
Lucky Dogs, a New Orleans classic at MSY (moodiedavittreport.com photo)
Knowing how you behave when you’ve had too much to drink is important. That knowledge can make the difference in whether or not you’re able to come back to a restaurant, or if you get 86’d from the pub. It absolutely will determine if you’ll get home on your return flight.
Are you a loud drunk? Even if you’re a happy drunk, loud can be problematic at the airport. For those gate agents, it’s about disruption. If you’re a problem in the open air of the gatehouse, they’re thinking about how much of an inconvenience you’ll be to everyone around you when you sit in 15B.
Are you an emotional drunk? If you’re crying for whatever reason, you’re not listening. They worry you won’t comply when instructed to do things.
Are you a staggering drunk? Oh, hail no, if you’re not able to get up and down the aisle, you’ll be a problem in the event of an evacuation.
Forewarned is forearmed
Ask your friends. Ask your partner. Record yourself when you go out. You may find out that your fun-person persona after three drinks while the game’s on at the pub won’t cut it at Gate C19. You need to know that before you’re led out of the airport in cuffs.
